August 2009 saw my wedding to my husband. Am not going to say I had dreamt how things would go as I had never had a vision about how my wedding would go rather I went with the flow. It was wonderful though, in a castle in Scotland with my friends and family from Malta, my husbands friends and family from Scotland and our friends from England. Soon after we toured Malaysia and Singapore and completely immersed ourselves in the culture and enjoying the beginnings of our married lives. Back to the UK with everything ahead of us and by December I was pregnant.
For someone who didn’t think getting pregnant would be easy I was sooooooooo excited. It hadn’t even crossed our minds that we would loose our baby and that miscarriage is something that is quite frequent. That its a lottery! So need I say we told a few people early, infact quite a few people. We were excited, naive and joyous. I don’t blame us. I remember the day I did my pregnancy test, soon after, sitting on my train to London and I shed a few tears because after my husband the first person I thought of was my mother who I lost at the age of four. I guess its obvious that I thought of her and am delighted that I did. How things pop in your head and mean so much.
There were bleeds, very few and I was told not to worry because women can bleed in pregnancy. So I remained calm but there were maybe a few doubts in my head. I remember a doctor in my surgery trying to find a heart beat very close to my dating scan and I remember her saying to me “Don’t worry I had three miscarriages before I had my two children”. I remember thinking at the time, I really hope I don’t have to go through that. That same day when no heart beat was found I remember needing space and time to be alone with my husband. We had planned to have friends round for dinner that night, friends who were also expecting a baby and we made the decision to halt the proceedings. Stuffed peppers, merriment and baby talk had to go on hold. Was it instinct I wonder, self preservation?
Two days later we went for our scan. I remember it so well. I remember the lady that scanned me in silence becoming very serious. I remember asking whats going on. She told me that they would be having to conduct an internal scan. Not something I was prepared for but something I am now very familiar with! Its incredible how normalised any process or procedure can become if you do it enough. She told us she was very sorry and that we didn’t have a baby and that I needed to see a consultant to decide next steps. We were so shocked. I was told I would need to have an operation to remove all matter and that the fertilized egg had stopped growing at 7 weeks. I think it was a Thursday and they fitted me in for the operation on the Friday.
We left the hospital and my husbands mother called and my poor husband couldn’t talk. It really hit me to see him in so much pain, chocked unable to articulate. Why should he be going through this, why should we be going through this. Ok its ok lots of first pregnancies end this way. We can get through this.
I had never gone under through general before. I was in a ward with some other ladies going through the same procedures and they were really supportive and they helped me make sense of things. I remember one was 40 and had a son and was telling me she was going to try and get pregnant straight away and that I shouldn’t worry I was young! Whats age anyway. Its s number. I think she had had this operation before, plus with a 4 year old, soon after the operation she was dressed and ready to go home wanting to return back to normality and be with her family. The other lady had one child too and had had two miscarriages. I think it was really good being around them.
I came round, ate my complimentary toast and drank my tea and when enough blood had returned to my face I was discharged. I was in a daze. One minute I was pregnant and the other minute I was not. It was a missed miscarriage when your body discards the growing being but doesn’t dispel. I had never heard of this. I was to spend 3 weeks at home, sobbing one minute and feeling strong the next and what was comforting was my new rescue cat sat by my side throughout and I guess we bonded. Its funny though because I remember when I had first got Murphy and soon after found out I was pregnant. I remember a nurse at the vet who I soon ditched telling me it would be too much for me and I should get rid of the cat. No way. As far as I was concerned I’d made a commitment and that commitment I kept. I digress.
Anyway thats enough to remember for the first experience. I commit you to the written word but unfortunately I don’t think I can completely eradicate you from my memory. I’d like you to become a little more dormant though. Talking to myself. Yes indeed. And no am not drunk! This is natural!
hopetulips 